Surgery day #3

We arrived at the hospital bright and early so Gracie could be admitted to pre-op and we could get a few extra snuggles before they took her back. We waited in the surgery waiting room with Gracie for a bit before we all headed into Gracie's pre-op room. I was adamant that her Gracie Strong shirt would be with her the entire time. I can't forget one of the nurses moved the shirt and it got folded up, I thought I was going to melt to the floor right then n there.

I straightened it back out and told them that this needed to be with her and to please keep it close to her. We got Gracie into her tiny hospital gown and took a few last pictures with our baby girl. I was struggling because she was thriving! She was putting weight on her legs, rolling, laughing, and giggling. How could anything be wrong with our perfect baby?!

They prepped Gracie with all her heart monitor stickers and gave her anesthesia to put her to make her sleep. I rocked my baby as long as I could until they came in and said

"It's time to walk down"

Just like the last two times I had to put my trust in the doctors I asked if we could walk down holding her as far as we could go, and they agreed. We got to the doors and they said "this is as far as you can go". My husband and I took a few moments to hug and kiss our sweet little girl and told her that we would be waiting for her as soon as she was out of surgery. Then the anesthesiologist took my little girl from my arms, the OR doors opened, and then closed behind them.

I fell to my knees crying hysterically with my husband trying to console me. I could not justify going through this again, or putting her through this again. I blamed myself for setting the surgery date so soon. Thoughts flooded my brain...

How could I let this happen to her again?!

Why my baby, WHY?!

Everyone tells me "I don't know how you do it!" And I DON'T EITHER!!! It's not like I walk into the hospital with a smile on my face excited about the surgery. I'm a mother of a medically complicated child and I have to get my ass up every day, put on a brave face, and pretend that I'm not dying inside!

As I stated before in previous blogs, I felt like every day I was dying just a little bit more. Almost like I was waiting for the stress and grief to finally take over and give me a heart attack or just not allow me to wake up again. But I didn't get the option to stop fighting for my little girls. I had a completely healthy baby at home with Grandma and I had to continue each day to bring as much "Normalcy" as I possibly could! Gracie had not stopped fighting so how could I?!

We moved into the waiting room once I composed myself. Found some chairs in the back where we could have some privacy with our thoughts. And then we waited... and waited...

The nurse would come in with updates every hour just like the prior surgeries. She updated us as she was completely under anesthesia safely, placed on the heart and lung machine, and then with surgery in progress. Here are a few of my facebook updates to family and friends:

Everything went text book and we were told by the nurse we could see our girl when she comes down the hallway just like so many times before. This time daddy was with me and we both kissed our baby and told her how proud we were of her!

We waited awhile longer until she was stable and in her room until we could head in to see her. It was actually a lot longer than times before so I had them call to see if we could come in or not. The surgeon came out to talk to us and down played what was actually going on. I absolutely respect her surgeon Dr. Woods, but sometimes he was so "blah" with personality it was hard to read him!

He told us that her pressures that generally stabilize after surgery were all over the place, he said that it was under control but somewhat concerning. I was able to go into her room where I saw nurses, doctors, PA's etc rushing into her room. No one was telling me what was going on but I could see the concern in their eyes. Finally I said

"What is going on?!?!"

They told me that the pressures within her Superior Vena Cava are not where they should be.

"Um, okay? What does THAT mean?!

They believed she has a narrowing within her SVC and will need a stent or cath ballooning as soon as possible! They could not take her down right away as she literally JUST came out of surgery. I was crying and in shock. I sent for a nurse to get my husband and bring him in. The first 24-48 hours are always the most critical after these surgeries but we STILL had another baby at home!

We both rushed out of the hospital, we drove quickly home, I packed a quick bag and rushed back to the hospital. I was not planning to stay the night as I never had before but I knew that this was a very critical time and Gracie needed her mom close by! The next day things progressed significantly and intervention was needed for her Superior Vena Cava...

This Wednesday we have a new heart mom story from Kayla and baby Luka! I am again lucky enough to call this strong woman and little boy my friends. I have talked to Kayla for MONTHS almost everyday. I have been able to watch Luka's progress and share many laughs with Kayla. She lives far away from me but we've decided that not only are we long distance besties (texas to Wisconsin) but someday we will share a margarita together or THREE!

My heart warrior collection is available HERE with Mothers Day around the corner 15% of all merchandise will be donated to my Christmas fundraising for our heart families in the CICU! Can be purchased on this website or my Etsy site! Also summer is right around the corner!! If you are having trouble with losing weight before or after a baby please reach out, I have VERY affordable packages for custom meal planning and workouts, it doesn't matter if you have a gym or not! For more pictures and content please follow @traumamommamethod on Instagram and Facebook!